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My father’s story should be told to provide context:
My Dad started out as a “normal life” and got married at the age of 22. Being the oldest of his 5 siblings, it turns out that his youngest sister was born shortly after he had gotten married!
The happy marriage resulted in 2 sons born – my Dad was aged 24 & 27 at the time his kids were born. At the age of 30 his wife was killed tragically in a car crash which saw the front passenger – his niece – slightly injured whilst the two boys in the back seat were relatively unharmed. (The boys were 3 & 6 years old)
Being a young widower, it would be another decade before my Dad would marry my mother. He was aged 40 and with an age gap of 15 years, my mum was 25. They lived a wonderfully happy life together, migrating to Melbourne from Singapore. They lived for another decade before, at the age of 50 / 36 they had me. Tragically, when I was not yet 3 years old, my mother was diagnosed with cancer (of the nose). So when my Dad was aged 55 he was widowed for a second time – this time my mother succumbed to cancer (pneumonia) at Christmas that year.
Being born into a family with these facts you don’t really see your parents as being older. The age gap between myself and my brothers has always been a reality and part of my life. In fact, because of that age gap, I was born an uncle and my niece is a year older. It also made me realise that my Dad was old enough to be my grandfather… I never knew either of my grandfathers – my maternal grandfather died decades before I was born, and my paternal grandfather passed away (aged in his 70s) when I was 3 months old.
My Dad is currently 88 and given he has always been so youthful and progressive, combined with the Asian genes, majority of people have always thought his age to be at least a decade younger. He was super fit in his youth, being a soccer player in high school and then judo martial artist. He was a member of the Singapore Judo Club in the 1950s and also did car rally driving in Singapore/Malaya during that time.
He retired from his final career path of being Head of Student Administration when I was starting high school and this, combined with his hard work of savings, enabled him to single-parent me differently to the way he & my mum had raised my half-brothers. Back in Singapore – during his 30s – the parenting of my siblings was primarily by the boys’ grandmother. As teenagers, they joined my parents in migrating to Melbourne, Australia.
I think I have always been aware of the fact/situation that my Dad is older. It helped to make me feel more “normal” and not consciously think about the oldness because my Dad has maintained a youthful attitude. It helped build that persona of looking and acting a whole decade younger than he really was. The family would joke that I & raising me helped keep him young. Having lived with my Dad my whole life, we are really close. I chose not to move out when I started working in my early 20s and have been my Dad’s travel companion since, to me, that was how we have travelled since I was a kid.
In recent times – starting from last year – at age 86 – my Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Up until that point his mind was perfectly fine. There were some signs that he was starting to forget where he had parked his car – and then there was some incident which caused internal bleeding on his head. Two trips to the Emergency department resulted in him being held for observation over 3 days and fortunately the bleeding subsided naturally. From all the scans, an incidental find of a tiny brain aneurysm is our status quo for now…
Being married, I am very blessed that my wife (a GP) is willing to move in so we/I can be my Dad’s primary caregiver nowadays. Physically my Dad remains very independent and healthy – he doesn’t walk like he used to – but I will always remember his catch phrase of “10,000 steps a day” which he was living out right up until April 2018 / aged 86. Even now, he continues to walk 3 minutes to his favourite place for food – MacDonalds! He must visit Maccas at least once – sometimes twice a day – and always orders the same meal: a fillet-of-fish, small fries and Seniors coffee.
His personality has suited him to the career he started out with: being an English teacher. You see his personality as being a disciplinarian. When he spoke – everyone listened. This translates well into his parenting – and kept me inline (lol) as well as his management of his health. It has allowed him to keep his diabetic and high blood pressure conditions well under control for two decades – and given he remains relatively low medicated – my Dad should be able to live close to 100 at the rate he’s going. Discipline also means careful eating. One story he still tells is that he has never liked eating fatty foods; he religiously avoids them. As a kid, he would meticulously remove fats from any meat, and his brother / my eldest uncle would eat all the fat. That uncle has long been deceased since 1989 – now some 30 years ago.
My father has outlived both his brothers, and one cousin who was born 5 days after him. All 3 sisters remain with us. Add to that the loss of two wives and you can see life as an older person ends up with a lot of loss & sadness. Fortunately he has 3 sons, two daughters in law, currently one granddaughter and two great-grandsons.
So, how does this all feel to me? 🤔
Well it has been my reality and life story. Age is just a number. Technically I may be in my later 30s but I, myself, follow in my father’s footsteps – people think I’m a whole decade younger in my mid 20s! It helps when you, and my Dad was like this, hang out with people younger than yourself. 😁
My reality and life situation now is a bit tricky – balancing marriage with having to also simultaneously care for my Dad. But God is good. God has been preparing me to be able to cope with these situations. Being responsible now for my Dad because of his old age and health condition makes me grow up faster. I would have more freedom had my Mum been alive… before I got married (at the time of writing I’m not yet 1 year completed in married life!) I was like my Dad’s companion / partner. We managed the home like a married couple and for travel, he now freely admits that he has relied and needs me. 😛
Case in point – just a month ago, my brother (middle son) accompanied our Dad on a 2-week holiday back to Singapore & his hometown of Penang, Malaysia. This was a first time experience for them both and the feedback I received afterwards was that both wished I had been the one accompanying our Dad…! 😩
I am grateful to God for the father and family He has provided. I feel incredibly blessed but I am always aware of the costs & I have also consciously made sacrifices towards the greater goals of life.
My wife is always saying “wow your Dad is old” but I haven’t felt it as much until recently when his health issues kicked in. I will always treasure my childhood and growing up to be my Father’s son. In some ways when I have kids, I may also be viewed as an “old Dad” and the circle will be complete… (it’s the circle of life, not a line… 😆)